transformation

i talked to my wonderful friend hannah tonight for a long time. what is great about a friendship like hannah and i have is that we pick up right where we left off. we haven't seen or talked to one another in 3 months and even though we only really call each other when things get hard, there is a level of understanding there. we both know that it's ok to do that. hannah and i have been through so much together. we met in college about 3 and a half years ago. the photo here is of us at our "wear yellow, eat jello" party where we all dressed in yellow and had a lot of jello shots. :) it's funny. the way i'm leaning on her, closing my eyes, comfort all over my face..is quite similar to what she did for me in college. she came into my life right in the midst of the worst pain i've ever been in. she walked with me in and out of that season of my life. she cried with me as i wept with tears of loss and confusion. she celebrated with me when i made a choice. and she continued to do these things as time went on. she knows me at my worst and my best. she knows my soul.

and tonight we talked about the pain she is in. me and hannah struggle with a lot of the same things in relationships: loss of individuality, wanting control, manipulation, shame, and fear. we relate on levels you just don't find with someone every day. and i sat on my roof tonight and listened to the deep rooted pain in her heart and in her words, as i stared out at a beautiful valley, in this amazing place that i live. and i could just feel her growth. i'm not sure there is any better feeling than being privileged to walk with someone in deep pain and then see them emerge into a better version of themselves, to a larger understanding of the world and their place in it. i could hear the clarity in her voice. the empowerment that she never had, or that she had lost. and tears streamed down my face and i just sat there in awe. i've talked about this a lot with my dear soul friend beth. (hi beth!) why does God allow us to be witness to transformed lives? it's one thing to struggle with the fact that He even desires to transform our lives at all. but to let us watch someone change, be transformed, be set free? i don't understand that. the only conclusion i can come to is that it is when we see those transformations that bring us to a bigger understanding of who HE is. it is to bring HIM glory. we do indeed change when we watch these transformations.

the amount of people's lives i have seen transform in just this past year is huge. and i understand more of...well...everything because of being a part of their story's. i have no doubt i'll get to watch other people transform when i leave this place. so...thank you hannah crowley...for reminding me tonight of the big things that can happen when someone takes a risk. and for reminding me of who i am. and who i want to be.

you're never too old for an easter basket

growing up my brother and i would wake up easter morning to easter baskets on the kitchen table. we have so many pictures of us in our pajamas reaching into brightly colored baskets, as green "grass" came pouring out, to find big chocolate bunnies and a special present for each of us like a yo-yo or a sticker book. as we got older it became cd's and movies. normally, this tradition ends when kids leave the house and become adults. well...not the robey family.

i'm writing this blog because today i got an easter basket in the mail from my mom. well, not a basket. a package. and the cutest thing is that she hasn't stopped sending me an easter package since i moved out of the house 6 years ago. my package today consisted of A LOT of chocolate. i don't even really like chocolate, but for some reason today it really hit the spot. maybe it's because today i needed a little bit of comfort. today i needed a bit of home. and i felt loved because of a few chocolate bunnies and a note from my mom.

i understand easter isn't about the candy. i understand it is about so much more.

but today i am grateful for my easter basket.
today i am grateful for my mom, who loves me well and alway knows exactly what i need.

..living in a movie..

the other day i was walking down the street with my friend casey. we were walking towards the beach, blankets and books in hand, sunglasses on our faces and smiles all over the place.
and i looked over at her and said "living here has given me hope that you can have a life where you feel like you live in a movie."
casey is a joy. and casey..being casey..looked back at me, gave me her famous smile that is always contagious, and said
"yeah! yeah, it does."
and then we walked in silence for a bit. and then we were by the ocean.

i live in a movie.
what i mean by this is that there are days here in this santa cruz utopia that make me feel like i am living someone else's life. i mean..do i really live here?

examples:

-it's no big deal to get off work at noon each friday and nonchalantly say to your friends "beach?"
and then to go the beach IN MARCH with 75 degree weather, hippie moms and naked babies running around you, where you sit for hours soaking up the rays and having good conversation, because..well..you have no where you need to be until monday morning.

-my office is the redwood forest.

-i live, work, and play with some very passionate and wonderfully unique individuals. while this is also a downside to my life and brings about conflict and pain..i can't quite think of anything better than it. the good times far out cede the bad.

-i live on a mountain top, in a Christian camp, where the community is full of fellow Mount Hermon staffers who desire to see lives changed, who work very hard and without a lot of thanks, to do that very thing. i drive down the street and see families i know playing with their kids and we wave to each other. maybe on some days i drive and see someone who i don't really know well, but who i know works here, and we wave to one another and smile with a shared sense of unity. we both may be here for different reasons, doing different jobs, but when you really think about it...we're here for the same reason, doing the same job. (if that doesn't make sense to you, its ok. it makes sense to me.)

-i work very long days. but in those 14 hour days, i spend most of the time being witness to kids coming to a bigger understanding of themselves, their friends and family, nature, the world, and god. no big deal. just..my job.

-long days, yes. only a 2 and 1/2 hour break each day. but during that break you can usually find me up on my roof, with a beautiful view, relaxing and soaking up the sun with good friends nearby.

-santa cruz culture. enough said.

-and last but not least...my favorite part of this place. mount hermon is a place people come to heal. they may not know it when first accepting the job, they may not even know it a few months in. But time and time again i have seen people realize that they came to this place broken, and messy, and doubtful. and that god is doing something big.
this mountain is sacred. and it changes you. you leave transformed. it's almost as if god surfaces every painful thing you could possibly deal with and he lays it out on the table in the time you are working here. in my 3 summers at conference center and almost year and a half of working for outdoor science i have seen countless lives restored. i have been abundantly blessed with walking along side of people who are redeemed and set free. in fact, i would even go as far as to say that FREEDOM is the song of this mountain.

i could go on and on. the amount of amazing sights i see each day are overwhelming. but what i know is this:

i live in a movie. i feel like i don't deserve each day here.

and when things get hard, when im exhausted at the end of the day, when relationships are fractured and i don't think i can take another step, and when i am doubting everything ive been told to be true...i need to remember this. because in 2 months i won't be here anymore. a whole new world is already starting to evolve for the time in which i will be just a memory to the people that remain. it's almost time for a new girl to come in and take my place, and have her life transformed.

and i think i'm almost ready.

Girls rule, boys...drool?

in my job as an outdoor science school naturalist i have a different trail group every week. a "trail group" usually consists of anywhere between 12 and 22 fifth or sixth grade students, and normally it's one boys cabin and one girls cabin. however, there are weeks when it just works out to have an all girls or all boys trail group. some naturalists don't like this, they prefer having the balance that comes with both sexes in a group. i love that too, it's always fun to see the boys and girls interact. but for those of you that know me well, you know that there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING that makes me happier than hanging out with a bunch of middle school girls.

i have built up a reputation at my job of the one who would do anything to have an all girls trail group. im the first person they think of when they run into having to put 2 girls cabins together and im so grateful i have people working above me who know my passions and allow me to exercise them in my position.

here are some photos from a previous girls group

slug kiss pep talk
girly photo shoot
hands in


i have been blessed to have an all girls group 3 times since i started this job last year. they are always the most epic of weeks in my mind. the most recent was this past week. i had 17 fifth grade girls who radiated adventure, courage, and beauty. i think i loved them deeply the moment i met them.

i opened my intro class by saying "you girls have no idea how pumped i am that we are an all girls group this week. get ready to do things you've never done before, get ready to put dirt on your faces, get ready to experience what it looks like to be living in community with only girls for a week, and get ready to see and feel god in ways you never thought you would."

the girls start squealing/looking at me like im the coolest and craziest human being they've ever met.

the week looks a little something like this:
pushing them far past any limit their minds have ever perceived....CHECK.
talking about girly things....CHECK.
"hands in" 1,2,3 HARDCORE!!!!....CHECK.
talking to each and every one of these precious little babies about their lives and what they love....CHECK.
lots and lots of group hugs....CHECK.
lots and lots of dirt on our faces...CHECK.
getting lost and laughing it off...CHECK.
reminding them every day that they are special, beautiful, and loved....CHECK.






aren't they precious?

what i loved about this past week, and what i usually love about most weeks, is being at the front of the line, leading the group down a trail, and hearing the things that come out of their mouths. for example:

on night hike "there is no way anyone else but god could have created all this. i mean, he is so CREATIVE!"
at the climbing wall "sarah, im scared. i try to pray. i pray all the time. but i don't feel god"
after climbing wall class "i pictured us as the harness and jesus as the hook that connected us to the rope. because before jesus we weren't connected to god."
after finishing night hike "my parents couldn't afford for me to go to science camp. so people donated money. and im so grateful i was able to come, because ive learned so much about myself here this week"

those are just a few of the little nuggets of wisdom i got to be witness to this week.

it's not like i don't like co-ed groups, it's just that, when the girls are taken away from the boys, they are comfortable being totally themselves. parts of their personalities come out that i would never get to see if boys were there to make them doubt themselves. that doesn't happen every week. some weeks i get kids who grew up together. the boys know the girls and their families very well and vice versa, and they treat each other well and they actually care about each other's feelings. but usually when you put 15 sixth grade boys and girls together, chances are they won't treat each other very well, and those girls insecurities are gonna flare up faster than i can say "sticky toed circle".

so there you have it. thats why i adore pouring so much of myself into girls lives. because who doesn't love to see people be who they are and do what they do?

as cheesy as it is....girl power is where its at.

.scarred with remembrance.

i want to get a tattoo.

i've never wanted one until now. the permanence of it kinda scares me.
actually, it REALLY scares me.

but i've also never been at the place i am now.
the idea of putting something on your body, a physical reminder of a season of your life that produced large amounts of struggle and growth, a symbol of the place you were in before that season, what you have been brought out of, a memory engraved on your skin for the rest of your life that will always remind you of Him....well, i think I could jump on board with that.

for all 6 or 7 of you that read this blog (well thanks for sticking with me)...but you all know how influential this past year has been for me. january 7th, 2009 was the end of the beginning for me. i left an unhealthy life for a life of the unknown, in a new state, for a new job i knew nothing about, with a group of people that were so different than me. the past 12 or 13 months have brought me through the darkest parts of the forest, to places i never thought i would go, to a person i never thought i could be. those dark parts of the forest were long but i always saw a bit of light peeking through the trees. as i walked through the woods, God allowed people to cross my path that helped me to see His faithfulness of a bit more clearly.

i could go on and on about this, but i think psalm 18 sums it up perfectly:

"in my distress i called to the lord;
i cried to my god for help.
from his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came before him, into his ears.
he reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
he rescued me from my powerful enemy;
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
they confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the lord was my support.
he brought me out into a spacious place,
he rescued me because he delighted in me."

my distress was bondage.
my spacious place was santa cruz.
his delight is my freedom.

freedom will be the theme of my tattoo. not just for that time of my life, but for the beautiful reality that we will always be set free from things that bond us.

i'm leaving santa cruz in a few months, not knowing now where i'll be, but one thing is for sure. i never want to forget this year. i never want to forget his faithfulness. and there will be days when i do. and it's those days that i want to be able to look down at the permanent scar on my skin, look up, and keep walking.